Time and time again I see people getting a free grope from security because they forgot to remove change from their pockets or take off their watch. Step One: simple. Take off your metal and keep your dignity.
Step Two: Avoid 20th century medical advances.
Don't have any knee operations, hip replacements, or ever break a bone etc. because this can result in titanium screws and pins, metal skull plates, artificial heart valves etc. which will promptly result in a TSA love pat scenario. Step two: simple. Avoid modern healthcare or your naked image may be leaked to the internet.
Step Three: Don't fly to or from an American destination.
Most important to realize is that the Obama administration influences TSA's operations via terror threat security levels and by throwing the most effective screening method out the window: ie- profiling. Therefore flights within the US will be more subject to TSA's whims than other countries. Step Three: Abandon your country or you may become a sexual assault victim.
In Hamburg, Germany (terminal 2) the line for the naked scan was optional and many people clamored for the line out of curiosity. Germans typically are also devoid of any hang ups about public displays of nudity as seen by their public pools and parks. Nudity is a way of life here for these conservative, God-fearing travelers. With out worry of profiling accusations (because Germany is relatively free from successful terror attacks) coupled with their love for exposing themselves, you should be able to avoid getting the ol' slap and tickle if you fly here.
Flying from Hamburg's Terminal 2 today to the lovely city of Munich (Step 3) I recounted how lucky I was not to have had any need for modern medical treatments during my lifetime that would have left metal in my body (Step 2). As I walked past the optional bodyscan line touted as being faster, I saw the poor sod getting scanned multiple times because in his induced rushed state he kept putting his hands down too soon and apparently blurred the image. When they finally got him to stand still long enough for a good scan he probably had absorbed enough radiation to transform into the Hulk. *citation needed
I stepped into the line with the regular metal detector and saw a very chunky German guy with frosted blond highlights, an ear ring and his ID card on a bright purple lanyard as he eyed the potential rub down clients. I removed everything down to my button front shirt, jeans, socks and a smile (Step 1) and placed my articles on the conveyor. Big Gay Al just had the lovely opportunity to cop a feel or four with the two guys ahead of me who had several necklaces each, belts, shoes, change, etc. on their person. I was thinking, 'I wonder if I needed a pat check if it were possible to request a hetero-patter' but I figured the very audacity of asking might land me on a watch list.
He snapped his unchanged rubber glove as his eyes gave me a dilated double take and said "Nächste, bitte!" He motioned with two fingers for me to step through and I knew that he could give me a rub-dub wham-bam thank-you-ma'am based on his own discretion anyway, despite my efforts to follow the three Steps. To his apparent dismay not a single warning light went off. "Danke schön." he sighed as he pointed for me to collect my belongings.
The end.
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